It seems that I have learned the hard way that if something is too good to be true, it probably is.

Almost two weeks ago, the seemingly impossible happened. Someone that I had been interested in had approached me and said that she wanted to date me. Things seemed to go great, then just plummeted in a matter of days. She now seems completely standoffish and doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, giving me one word answers on everything. I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but this is almost exactly how things have gone for me in the last several years.

A couple of nights ago, we were drinking and she had brought up her abusive ex-boyfriend who used to hit her. And she had brought up someone else that she was wanting for years but he was not interested in her in that way. And all I wanted to say to her was that it was the exact same thing that she had done to me for the past 2 years. And that her abusive boyfriend was such a good guy when he wasn't drinking. And is saying this directly to me.

I have never thought that I was worthy of anyone, especially this girl. I've always wanted her, not just in the physical sense, but for everything that I have seen her to be. She has always seemed like the perfect girl for me. And I got her and I have been so happy, I never thought it would happen in a million years. And now what I expected to happen seems to be coming to fruition. Once someone knows me or has spent time with me, they are no longer interested in being with me. I'm not enough for anyone. I'm not good enough for anyone, not even myself.

If this happens, I will never trust anyone again. I have a hard enough time believing what people tell me because they tend to tell me what I want to hear to spare my feelings. And I have a great feeling that this is the case right now. I'm being lied to so my feelings aren't hurt. And what people don't realize is that telling me what I want to hear does nothing but piss me off even more. It will make me never believe a word you say to me ever again. And if this is happening, my wall will go up even higher, and I didn't think that was possible.

I'm thinking that I might as well just face the truth that I have been telling myself and that no one else believes: I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not meant to be with anyone, I will spend the rest of my days alone on this god-forsaken planet and I might as well just start digging the grave and place one foot inside, because it's only a matter of time before the other gets shoved in. And the world will be better off for it.
I have a feeling that, in the coming weeks, I will find out who my real friends are.

There have been some people in my life that have begun to openly mock me. Particularly mocking the women that I have been with in the past. Just because they may be bigger women and don't look like fucking supermodels doesn't mean that they aren't attractive women. Their character may have been questionable, yes, but it doesn't mean that they aren't physically attractive.

I have someone that I started talking to about a week or so ago and I am afraid to bring her around my friends because I feel that the mocking will start again. These are people that I have known for years and I have trusted to one extent or another. And I already have a problem trusting ANYONE. And if this shit goes on much longer, my list of friends is going to decrease dramatically.

Just proves the creed that I have tried to follow all my life....Don't Trust Anybody.
Since my last post, I have been trying to think on a positive plane. Attempting to erase all of these bad thoughts that have been swimming through my head for god only knows how long. But every time I try to do that, I end up lying in bed, tossing and turning (even if it's in the middle of the day) wishing that I could just hold onto someone and scream and cry until my lungs can't take it anymore. I hate feeling so hollow and alone, yet any time I try to get away from it, the feeling just intensifies. It just hurts. And I can't escape any of it.
In my dreams, Justin Bieber is the antichrist. Yes, that just happened.
This is my first entry on this site, and I don't know how many people will read it, at least not yet.

There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last several months. There have also been a lot of disappointments. I have felt myself unraveling as of late. I rarely ever want to go to work, I rarely want to really do anything. I can't stand that I have been so depressed and just flat out sad over the last few months. I hate people seeing me that way. I'm supposed to be the token black guy that hangs out with people, cracks jokes and has drinks with them. I don't like exposing myself the way I have. But lately I have reached my boiling point and I can't take it anymore.

Looking forward, I just want more out of life. I want more for myself. I want more for the people I associate myself with. I feel time passing me by, and I haven't done a damn thing with my life up to this point. There is so much more that I want to do, so much more I want to experience. And I just want to get rid of all this pain and heartache.



January 2013

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